I feel horrible posting this, but as my husband and I have struggled with infertility it’s also put a strain on our relationship. We had issues before, and I thought we had worked through them, but this is bringing everything back and I find myself thinking, “Is he the right partner for me in this process?” We’re planning IVF this cycle, but after a particularly hurtful comment that left me suffering alone for days I’m really considering just freezing my eggs(rather than embryos). Is that crazy?

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Nothing is crazy in this process and it’s completely normal that such a stressful thing would put a strain on your relationship.

Without more detail like your age, health background, relationship dynamics, it’s really not my place to say whether you should freeze eggs or embryos but just know that you have support here and nothing you’re going through or thinking about is crazy.

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Thank you.

I would suggest doing both, even if you felt you were in an amazing place and you'd be together forever. Life is crazy and unpredictable it would be good to have embryos for the future but also just eggs to be on the safe side. Its all the same steps for your body physically so why not take an extra step just in case.

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This will depend on how many retrieved and maturity. Talk to the RE about options on your first cycle and what they would consider a reasonable amount of egg to embryo ratio and what would be significant enough for you have the option of freezing just eggs. Depending on your situation may be possible one round, may not be possible at all as you'd want embryos first obviously, but I'd look into all options as knowledge is power.

Also yes your odds are lower with egg freezing than embryos making it through the unthawing process, however science/technology has come a long way and could advance even more if you ever needed them and honestly having an option that may not work is better than regret later with no options.

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Wow, thank you all for the support and perspective. I feel so much love and wisdom from this group, it’s truly brought me to tears. I don’t know if it’s shame or the need for control, but something has made me apprehensive to talk about this with anyone, including him. The support from this group makes me feel more comfortable to share.

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I don’t think your crazy. You and your husband are going through a very stressful time in your marriage. Emotions run high and I think that conversations need to be had between the both of you if you are feeling this way

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Thank you.

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Dm me Sister. I am in the same boat. Happy to share me perspective, but you arent totally crazy.

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Thanks. Just sent a DM!

We found out going through the process that we went through different parts at different times. Sometimes we ugly cried together and other times it was in private. There were a lot of times I felt like I was waiting for him to catch up - but he was open to talking the whole time. It’s really difficult because everyone experiences it differently and in their own way. There are a lot of things they don’t understand, no matter how much I would tell him.

I wont excuse the particularly hurtful comment but it all depends on how he recovers and how supportive he is of you. Perhaps you should look into counseling - for yourself and then also together to work on the communication. This will help you work through the current challenges.

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Our issues are honestly even more mundane than that. He feels constantly criticized, I feel like I can’t get my needs met. We have very different conflict resolution styles (he’s a lawyer and enjoys adversarial arguing, while I seek harmony in relationships and avoid conflict). Ultimately, we both want to be seen and respected for who we are, but HOW we do that is where we need the work. These were issues that were previously entirely unrelated to growing our family, but now have re-emerged in this context, unfortunately.

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This journey is much more than just about having a kid, and I often felt I was in a constant emotional and physical roller coster ride! Husband and I decided to go for couples therapy when starting on this journey, and it was actually recommended by my RE. It helped us a lot and we were able to work through the highs and lows. We eventually went and are still continuing with individual therapy, and go for occasional couples therapy when we need. Just sharing what helped us through this journey, and hoping the best for you!

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Thank you. Therapy has been hugely helpful for us too. I have a hard time accepting that it hasn’t entirely solved all of our problems, but it has helped!

Not sure age etc but it’s definitely a big decision. You could do some embryos and then freeze some eggs. It depends on the quantity you produce. I will tell you my fertility dr told me the egg freeze and then fertilize post thaw is often a lower survival rate. They typically see better results with frozen embryos and then a FET.

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Thanks!

Not crazy. I too am not happy in my marriage. We are in the middle of an IVF cycle, with our embryos currently frozen. Now I’m torn as to whether we should do the transfer because of the state of our marriage. If I don’t do it, there goes all of that money that we spent on the process. If I do go through with it, now I will potentially have a kid with someone I’m not sure I want to be with. I have been so stressed about it. So, take it from me, don’t do it. You know what is best for your situation!

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We’re in the same boat with one child already. I want so badly to give him a sibling and we’re on our second IVF round but I’m also not super happy in my marriage. It’s tough.

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This may not be a popular opinion, but I’ve been wondering lately if perhaps I just have too high expectations of how happy I should be. An old boss told me, “if your partner is not meeting your expectations, then lower your expectations.” Perhaps no one is as happy as we think we should be. I mean, I am working, and I have enough money and good enough health to do IVF. Maybe it’s too much for me to also expect to have a partner who supports me and fulfills me in all the ways I want?

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My thoughts exactly. Trying to shift toward getting my fulfillment elsewhere - including supportive communities like this and my IRL girl tribe.

Have been in a similar place. DM if you’d like to chat

Thanks - just sent a DM!

Have any of you seen those counselors that specialize in fertility counseling? I’m in a few infertility FB groups and I know some of the men and women have taken advantage. My husband and I had a tough time during our miscarriage (and I accidentally made a hurtful comment that just kind of spilled out on a particularly tough day.) But I didn’t take a breath to think how this comment would make him feel. Not saying this is your same situation but it’s a hyper stressful time and sometimes you don’t fight “smart.” (I am guilty of this!) We did discuss seeing a counselor if we continued to pick at each other but thankfully we turned a corner

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